sahm

Yesterday was one of those days, an “I’m not winning any parenting awards” day. I think the stress of Josh’s job is getting to all of us. My mom offered her and my dad as babysitters so I could have some “me time”. Josh left for work and I headed into town. Seriously walking through Target alone is probably one of my most favorite things ever. It sounds ridiculous and yet…I can’t help it. I wandered through Target. Wandered! I slowly browsed and picked up the few things we needed.

I drove home with my windows down and the music blaring. I sang at the top of my lungs when this song came on. As the sun set the clouds looked incredible. I sang and glanced out my window. I felt thankful that the day was coming to a close and that I have another chance again in the morning.

So here’s to today, another new day. A day to be the mom, wife, person I want to be….

When Jasper went down for his nap yesterday, his playroom looked like this. We are still in the process of creating a playroom for him and as of right now have absolutely no storage. Just so no one thinks that I’m supermom that bakes, wears an apron, does art with my kid all day…here is proof otherwise. I will admit that keeping the house picked up and clean is important for me but with a two-year-old it is often difficult.

After finally getting my shower in, I worked on the toy area. It’s better than it was but still not where I’d like it to be. Personally I think Jasper has way too many toys which is funny considering how much we’ve limited that. Hopefully we can get some storage in that room soon, otherwise I may go down there with a garbage bag.

Some days I feel productive as a stay-at-home mom, other days not so much. I’m not a supermom though I do aspire to be one.

I’ve recently had a few people ask me how it is to stay home. Just last week a lady who is pregnant with her second asked because she is considering staying home. “So how is it to stay home every day?”. That’s the question asked but the underlining question is “how bad is it to be home every day?”. It makes me laugh because I never even considered it to be bad or hard before I quit my job. I just always knew this is what I wanted to do.

Josh asked me over the weekend if I missed going to work every day. I honestly answered no. I do sort of miss being forced to get up at a certain time and shower every day. Most days I don’t shower until the afternoon and it makes me feel a little lazy. Otherwise I don’t miss the work, sitting in a cubicle, planning when I can take time off, or being away from home for so many hours a day.

Yesterday I thought I would try to keep track of my day. The days go pretty quickly. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve watched TV in the afternoon. Sure there are plenty of days where I’m counting down the minutes until Josh gets home but most days are normal, chilled out.

7:00am – My Jasper alarm first goes off. I hear him yell “mommy” from his room.
7:15am – Get him up and we snuggle/play in my bed.
8:00am – Diaper change, get Jasper dressed, brush teeth.
8:15am – Time for Jasper’s breakfast. He chases the dog around and they play while I clean the kitchen.
8:50am – Head downstairs with some toast (coffee for me).
9:00am – Sesame Street! This is the one show we watch every day. Jasper plays with toys and the dog for the first half. Then he sits on my lap for the second half.
10:00am – Jasper is actually watching Sid the Science Kid so I get some laundry started.
10:20am – Headed upstairs to get something and Jasper follows. So I use that time to clean up the bedroom and make my bed.
10:30am – Back downstairs. Jasper plays with his toys in the playroom and I dust the downstairs.
11:00am – 11:15am – I vacuum which makes the dog bark and the boy screams/laughs and runs around. Bebo needs to go out asap and I smell some funk from the boy. I also realize that the most annoying show just came on downstairs so I MUST turn the TV immediately. This is as chaotic as my day gets.
11:25am – Diaper change and then complete and utter meltdown because I wouldn’t let Jasper have cookies for lunch.
11:35am – Jasper eats a granola bar and gets a cookie after.
12:00am – I read some blogs while Jasper tears apart the love-seat cushions and climbs all over it.
12:40am – Emotional breakdown #2 for Jasper so I decide it’s going to be an early nap for him. Laundry is done so I get to do some folding.
1:00pm – Josh is home for lunch so I visit with him while he eats.
1:15pm – Finally get my shower in.
1:45pm – Consider cleaning the bathrooms but instead decide to take a little nap.
2:45pm – Jasper is awake. We spend the next hour or so eating marshmallows and goldfish. We take the cushions off the love-seat and use it for a jungle gym.
4:00pm – Josh is home! I’m basically off duty after that. Jasper is all about Josh when he gets home. The garage door opens and Jasper says, “Yay! Daddy home!”.

The thing about being home with your kid all day is that you don’t miss anything. When Jasper first started counting with Sesame Street I was there to hear it. When he does something especially silly I get to laugh along with him. Of course there are difficult days. Days when I just want a break or want to leave the house. But most aren’t like that. I am so incredibly grateful that I get to be the one to take care of my little guy. He is an amazing little buddy and I love spending my days with him.

I spent all day yesterday cleaning…like full-on, hardcore cleaning. I scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom floors on my hands and knees. I cleaned windows, did laundry, dusted, cleaned out our loaded bookcases… I even used an old toothbrush to clean around the bathroom faucets. That’s serious, people. Jasper was amazing. Typically I cannot do much that doesn’t involve him because he’s so all over the place. But yesterday he must have seen the crazed look in my eyes. I started downstairs while we watched Sesame Street and Sid the Science Kid. He played or sat engrossed in front of the TV and sometimes followed me around while I was buzzing about.

Looking around the house this morning is such an awesome feeling. I love having the house this clean. The light coming through my clean windows looks even better. Now if only I could do this every week…

When we first decided that I would stay at home with Jasper, I never would have imagined I could feel stressed out. I imagined the house spotless, time to read and sew… Yeah, not so much. The past couple weeks I have been feeling pretty stressed out. I am way behind on knight light work especially since we just shot a wedding. No chance to catch up either… I have three or four sessions every weekend for the next five weeks.

I am also trying to get the house in order because we will be having a birthday party for Jasper next month here. (Wait, can I just freak out about that for a second? My baby is turning one next month???)

And to top it all off, we have had some seriously bad luck with Josh’s piece of crap car. Josh also ended up at the emergency room last Friday after a piece of machinery crushed his finger. Amazingly his finger did not break but he’s been in a lot of pain and not able to use that hand very much.

I don’t ever want to wish time away so I am working on enjoying each moment, even stressful ones. I just feel like I’m a little overbooked and overwhelmed and can’t do it all. I’m trying to take it one day at a time and one item on my To Do list at a time.

Things I haven’t done so far today:
- worked out
- showered
- laundry
- taken any pictures
- gone to the bank
- made baby food

Things I have done:
- spilled blueberry jam all over the kitchen
- salvaged some jam by scooping it from the counter back into the container
- worked on pictures
- played with a baby
- continued to wear clothes that had been spit up on by a baby
- drank two cups of coffee
- cleaned up dog poop

Being your own boss is a tricky thing. You are the only one who decides when and how much you work. I have been fortunate enough to have a pretty successful photography business. I’m getting calls every week from new clients. The really hard part is knowing how much I can do.

One thing I have decided and feel good about is my decision to only shoot a VERY limited number of weddings each year. This year we only are shooting two and it’s great. The couples are ones we click with, get our style and want us to do our thing. I’ll admit that it’s been extremely hard to say no to the many brides that contacted me throughout this year. But once I taught myself the phrase “We are booked for the ’09 season”, things went pretty smoothly. After I say no, I feel guilty for awhile and then I start to feel relief that I’m not shooting another wedding. So it works out….as long as I can get through the guilt.

I never expected so much guilt to accompany having a business. I feel guilty when I spend too much time working on pictures in the evening because I miss out on time with my husband. I feel guilty when I crash on the couch watching TV instead of doing work. I feel guilty when I have to tell a client that I can’t get them in until October because I’m booked up. I feel guilty when I cram three sessions into one weekend.

Slowly though I am learning balance. I have accepted the fact that I cannot shoot four sessions every week like I have been doing. I am occasionally planning a Saturday off here and there. I’m taking it easy this weekend because of the wedding we are shooting the following weekend. And I’m not beating myself up if I choose to sit on the couch for an evening.

It’s all about balance and finding that place in the middle. I am learning.

I have been asked quite a bit what I do every day. Am I bored? Never. Do I keep busy? Always. My days are always very different. Some days I don’t feel like I do anything, others I barely sit down. Some days all I do is work on Knight Light, others all I do is clean… Today was a pretty typical day so I thought I would document with photos. It’s kind of cool to look through the pictures and get an overview of the day. Here is a slideshow of the pictures from Flickr (the picture names document what was going on):

When Josh and I were discussing if I should quit my job, one of the things we spent a lot of time on was our budget. In deciding that I would stay at home we knew we’d be following a tight budget. I decided right then that I would start clipping coupons and doing better about planning my grocery list.

Growing up I can remember being in charge of the calculator when we grocery shopped. Everything my mom put in the cart I would type the price into the calculator. This way my mom would know if she was going to go over budget. Since I was well trained as a kid I knew I could do it now.

Last week Josh and I had a little bit extra money so we decided to stock up on a few things. I sent Josh to get a loaf of bread. He came back carrying two loaves of bread and two packages of buns. “They were on sale”, he informed. Ataboy! Now I have a pantry that is slowly filling up with everyday items and a freezer full of bread and meat.

It’s such a good feeling! Plus following the sales and coupons is kind of fun. On our stocking up trip, I saved $48 because of the sales and all my coupons. Score!

Today is the first official day as a stay-at-home mom. I feel like I took a vacation day and will be going back to work tomorrow. Last night I got the usual Sunday evening blues. The sad feeling when you realize your weekend is over and you have to go back to work. The difference this Sunday was that I didn’t have to go back to work. I just can’t get myself to remember that!

I slept in this morning. The little guy and I ran a couple errands including stopping in to my old job to sign a form. I wonder when it will sink in that I really am done with work. It’s just so incredible!