losing grace

My dad was joking that the whole family needs to get t-shirts made that says “I survived May 2010″. It’s hard to believe that just four weeks ago everything was different. I told my mom the other day that May was a helluva month. Instead of getting me in trouble for cussing, she agreed.

Last week all I kept saying is that I wanted it to be Friday night. Josh and I somehow made it through Thursday and Friday. I didn’t know if it was possible. There was quite a bit of crying, quite a bit of pain but we survived.

I’m not sure that I can completely write about my experience with the D & E last week. But there are a few things I don’t want to forget. Wally, the anesthesiologist, was just about the nicest guy ever. I woke up from the surgery crying and he was there rubbing my shoulders telling me to just let go of this day. That I would have more kids, that each day would get easier… He was amazing. The surgical nurse that took care of me after told me when I left that she hoped we’d never see each other again. I agreed. The feeling I had when we saw home in the distance…knowing Jasper would be there and that this was all over. The fact that never in my life have I been aware of SO many people praying for me at one time. It was an overwhelming feeling. And Josh was my rock through it all. I clung to him and he held me up when I didn’t think I could go on. I could never have made it through this storm without him.

There is a peace I feel about this situation now that we have closure. It’s still so difficult to think about. Sometimes I find myself thinking about what our little one would have looked like or acted like and tears start to form. I don’t understand why any of this had to happen (to me or anyone else for that matter) but I try not to get angry. I have an incredible little boy who is the most amazing thing to ever happen to me. Josh and I feel so thankful that we have him. Someday I’ll tell him about his little angel sibling he never got to meet. How we hope he or she is looking down on us and keeping an eye on Jasper, their big brother. (Goodness knows he needs another guardian angel.)

I saw this video yesterday. I thought it was beautiful and touching. Life is just moments. Good moments, bad moments… Life goes on.

Before anything else I have to say that I was so touched by all of your comments, emails and notes. The outpouring of love from our family and friends has been overwhelming. And then to receive additional love from people I don’t technically know…well, I don’t feel that I can truly express my appreciation.

Last week we found out that our little one was gone. I am scheduled for a D&E on Friday. Honestly, I feel like I’m doing alright. Last Monday was a terrible day. Terrible, terrible, terrible. I cried harder than I thought possible. But I lived through it. The next day was just a little bit easier. My mom randomly showed up in the morning with a Frappuccino. Our family and friends have been stopping by to check on us. It has been nice to have the company. Wednesday night brought Sondra back to us. Having her stay here has made a huge difference! We have been trying to go about our daily lives as normal as possible. Going to the Farmer’s Market, the mall, finding things to keep us busy…

Josh of course, has been incredible. I am reminded again how lucky I am to have married him. Since there is no one trained to perform a D&E in our town we are being referred to a town over an hour away. The doctor requires me to stay overnight in a hotel there the night before so I’m close to their offices. I completely lost it when I first heard that. It will be the first time I’ll be away from Jasper overnight. Josh said we would order room service or watch girly chick flick movies that night in the hotel. He said we would pretend that we were choosing to be there. I know with him by my side I’ll make it.

Basically May has been a hellish month and I’m so ready for June. I’m ready to really start moving forward. Thanks again for all the notes and prayers. I would love to have a few more prayers on Friday.

I feel like I’m walking around in a daze the past week. I can’t quite remember what day of the week it is or when we’re doing what.

I haven’t cooked supper in a week. I don’t remember how.

I let our checking account get overdrawn which I don’t think I’ve ever done in my entire life.

I feel like I could sleep all day.

My mornings are the most difficult. I try to keep up with Jasper but I have problems with that on a good day.

I feel lonely. I miss my friends.

Hugs make me cry. And yet, I could use more of them.

I get really angry when I think about all of the medical bills that will be coming in. We haven’t even paid for my blood work I had done at the beginning of my pregnancy. We will have nothing to show for all of the bills.

I’m having really weird dreams every night. There is always a baby involved.

I can’t stop squeezing Jasper.

I’m two sessions behind with Knight Light and really need to finish them by this weekend. I can’t seem to remember how to work Photoshop.

I’m anxious for the fog to lift, even slightly, so I can see a little better.

On Friday we had a routine doctor’s appointment that turned not so routine.  My doctor had a hard time getting a good heart beat reading with the doppler.  She didn’t act concerned.  We thought it was the lemonade I had drank earlier….that the baby was just moving like crazy.  She sent us over to sonogram to check for sure.

As we waited to get the sonogram, I had the same feeling I’ve had numerous times the past three months. Something wasn’t right.  Although at 14 weeks and out of the first trimester I tried to tell myself it was nothing.  The sonogram tech is awesome at her job. She’s done all of my sonograms so when she started going back and forth and her face got more serious…I started to get nervous.  Finally after a few more minutes I told her that.  She said, “I know honey, I just need a couple more minutes”.  I knew then that it wasn’t good.  She told us that she found a growth on the back of the baby’s neck. She needed to talk with my doctor so someone would be back in soon.

My doctor explained that the baby had a cystic hygroma.  At that point there was a huge range of what this could mean.  The most minor was a growth on the neck with no other complications.  The baby would just need surgery after birth.  Downs Syndrome was mentioned and the baby not making it to term.  My doctor wanted me to see a high risk doctor to confirm this.

We walked to the car in a daze.  As soon my car door was closed I completely lost it.  We drove home in shock.  How were we going through this?  Telling our parents was gut-wrenching.  Seeing my father-in-law cry was almost more than I could handle.  Over the weekend we did a little online research to get a better idea what cystic hygroma was.  No good information came from that.

Yesterday we saw the high risk doctor who in a matter of minutes confirmed the diagnosis.  Once he pointed out the cystic hygroma I was in shock at how large it was.  Then he took a closer look at the heart.  It seems our little one does not have four chambers and has a very irregular heart beat.

The doctor was very up front about everything he saw.  Had the baby just had the cystic hygroma he felt like there was a chance it could work out.  Because of the major heart defect he was sure there was also chromosome abnormalities.  He said, “This baby is not going to live much longer”.

I’ve held it together pretty well.  My emotions are all over the place.  Anger, sadness, disbelief…  To be perfectly honest, the desire to get drunk is very strong.  (Considering I never drink and don’t really like drinking…I think that’s saying something.)  Our family has been incredible.  I can’t help but feel so sad for them that they have to go through this as well.

The hardest part now is just waiting for the inevitable.  I mean, how do you wait for your unborn child to die?  We are praying that God takes our little one Home soon.  As much as we would love to meet them, we know that this one just isn’t ours to keep.