losing grace

This weekend was kind of a rough one for me. I felt very lonely and sad. Since this was Josh’s weekend to work I spent the evenings alone which of course, didn’t help matters. We’ve been really worn down with his work schedule. Add to it that I’m trying to squeeze in as many fall photo sessions as I can. It’s hard to leave when it means I don’t really get to see my husband that day.

Josh and I have been doing a lot of life planning lately. Trying to figure out where we should be, what we should be doing… It’s tough in a way because everything seems so unknown. I keep thinking that someone is finally going to hire Josh and our lives will begin moving again. For now we’re in this weird holding pattern where we try to make the most of everyday but feel like it’s all just temporary. I guess life is temporary anyway.

I’m having a hard time letting go of some hurt feelings. Someone that I thought was a friend turned out not to really care about me. I honestly don’t understand and have gone over it in my head a billion times just bewildered. I guess it has made me that much more aware of the people that want to be there for me. I need to let it go but it’s hard for me when I’m hurt.

The past week or two has also been difficult because I’ve been thinking a lot about Grace. We would be approaching her first birthday. I cannot even imagine having Jasper and also a one-year-old. Sometimes I still get so angry about losing her. Why did that have to happen? Why isn’t she with us now? I don’t understand. As I type this the tears just pour down my face. How can the pain still be so raw?

That’s where I’m at today. I’m thankful that it’s Monday and this weekend is over. I’m looking forward to an evening with my husband. I’m snuggling my funny little Jasper a little tighter and feeling so glad he’s in my life. Sometimes life can feel sad in spite of all the happy things around me.

I heard that one of the hardest things about losing a baby is that some day you’ll still be struggling but every one else will have moved on. I’ve been very lucky to have my family and a few amazing friends that check in on me, specifically asking how I’m doing with it. My parents got us the ceramic bird to sit on our patio. It was just something they picked up as a little remembrance of Grace. I was so thankful for the notes, emails and such this weekend from people that just wanted us to know we were loved. It sure is nice to feel that.

To be perfectly honest with you, my post on Friday didn’t convey how nervous I was about this weekend. I was all “oh it sucks but I’m getting through it”. On the inside I was petrified about being alone all weekend with my thoughts and having to remember everything alone (since Josh had to work). Friday afternoon Josh got a phone call from my dad saying that he was taking half of Josh’s shift on Saturday. We were speechless. I wouldn’t be alone Saturday evening. Let’s just say that I cried a lot when I heard that. And I was reminded what an amazing dad I have.

I woke up on Saturday to peonies finally blooming. What great timing. Jasper and I got a few groceries in the morning. It was nice to get out of the house while Josh was sleeping. My mom watched Jasper for a bit during supper time so Josh and I could enjoy our grilled salmon together. After the little guy went to bed I cuddled with Josh on the couch and it was so much better than being alone. We laughed about stupid TV, talked about nothing serious and relaxed. After being on the verge of tears all morning it was just good to be with Josh and not think too much.

Sunday turned out to be a good day as well. Josh found out that because of the holiday there would not be any work for him to do that night. His supervisor ended up giving him the night off as long as he was on call. He did get called in once but it was about a hundred times better than if he worked all night.

This weekend was the first time in a long time that I felt good, like maybe our luck is changing. When Josh got off the phone with his supervisor on Sunday and said he didn’t have to go in…I was shocked. Things like that don’t happen for us. Well, at least they haven’t the past year. I’m glad this weekend is over though it didn’t end up to be terrible. I hope this means the tide is shifting for us.

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my D&E. May 28th will forever be etched in my heart. Oh what a sad day that was. All month I’ve been thinking about where we were this time last year. That doctor’s appointment, that sonogram… Such a sad time for my family. Honestly I’m thankful that this first anniversary is almost over.

Today I was thinking about the morning before the procedure. I had to take a pill that basically started contractions. I can picture that ugly hotel bedspread that I was curled up on. I lay there crying from the physical and emotional pain when I said to Josh, “I don’t ever want to be pregnant again”. The raw emotion of that still feels like a punch in the gut. The pain has dulled some but it is definitely still there.

We really wanted to do something to remember Grace. Unfortunately, this is Josh’s weekend to work. Since we wouldn’t be able to go somewhere or do something, we came up with a unique idea. We purchased a flock of chicks through Heifer International. If you haven’t heard of Heifer International, they are an organization that helps millions of families by providing gifts of livestock, seeds, trees and training which will give the families a source of food and income. I love the idea of baby chicks running around somewhere in memory of Grace. Plus it’s something that we can do every year.

Soon enough tomorrow will be over and we’ll continue to move forward. Never forgetting but always moving forward…

It’s hard to believe that this day is finally here. Today is my due date with Grace. Chances are though I would have already had her by now. I wasn’t really sure how I’d feel on this day. I definitely am experiencing some of the sadness again but I’m feeling surprisingly stable. Last night I felt pretty down and cried a bit when it all kind of hit me. I just decided this morning that I was going to have a good day with Jasper.

A couple of weeks ago I started having trouble falling asleep at night. I assumed it was the coffee I was drinking in the evening as I NEVER have problems sleeping. But then it happened again and again, including nights that I didn’t drink any coffee. I lay in bed and feel like I can’t turn my mind off. I don’t always think about Grace but I have a feeling that’s the cause of my recent insomnia. I know my mind is still working through all of this even if daily it doesn’t hit me. I do feel that each day is a little easier.

Tomorrow Josh and I are headed up to Chicago for the night. My cousin is getting married. My parents offered to stay home from the wedding so they could watch Jasper. My mom just thought it would be perfect timing for a night away. I’m so looking forward to the wedding, a night with Josh, really cute shoes… I think it’ll be good for us to get away.

I thought today would be a good day to share Grace’s hand prints. The doctor who performed my D&E was able to get a print of each of Grace’s hands for us. I took pictures the other day and had intended to post one here. But when I opened the pictures…seeing the tiny hand print that was smaller than my thumb… Well, I guess I’m not ready to look at that very often. Some day maybe I’ll be able to share it. For now the paper goes back in the envelope and gets tucked away back in my closet.

Today I struggle with thinking about it too much or not enough. Slowly I’m finding the healthy balance and continuing to work through this.

I have a pink and gray striped t-shirt that I’ve been wearing all summer. I got it for a few bucks at Old Navy in the Spring and it soon became a favorite. Comfy but not sloppy. It ended up at the bottom of my shirt pile a month or two ago when I finally pulled it out last week. I put it on and went to the mirror. Hm…it just didn’t look right. So I changed my shirt and went on with my day. I tried it on a few days later and was confused when it just didn’t seem like the same shirt. I took it off and threw it in the corner of my room.

The other day I was in need of a shirt since it was laundry day. I noticed the pink and gray shirt in the corner of my room so I grabbed it feeling relieved that I had something decent clean. I put it on and went to the mirror to finish getting ready. Again I looked in the mirror and knew that it didn’t look right. And that’s when I realized…I had worn that shirt the day of my D and E. It didn’t look right because in the back of my mind I knew when I wore it last.

I can remember standing in the hotel bathroom the morning of my procedure. I thought, I wonder what other women wear to have this type of procedure done. That will always be the shirt I wore the day I woke up pregnant and went to sleep not pregnant. For now it sits in a crumpled pile on my floor. A reminder that I don’t want but can’t seem to throw out.

I’m slowly recovering from my tumble down the stairs on Saturday. My bruised up elbow looks worse than it feels. I am finally able to put some weight on my ankle. I’m still regularly doing ibuprofen though. Yowch, that one hurt. For some reason today I’m feeling down. My mom said that my last few months have caught up to me. I’m just feeling emotionally (and physically) exhausted. I guess I knew there would be good days and bad days. Today…not such a good day. I couldn’t help but think that falling down the stairs while pregnant would have been so scary. That’s all it took. Something dumb to remind me that I’m not pregnant with Grace anymore. I guess it will be some time before I’ve recovered from that “bruise” too.

I knew our unborn child was a girl. I honestly had hoped for a boy because of all the clothes and things we already had from Jasper. But I knew in my heart that she was a she.

We got the results from the chromosome testing. It confirmed that my gut feeling was correct and it was a girl.  Surprisingly though our little one did not have any chromosome abnormalities. This is good news as it was really just a fluke. Not something that Josh or I were passing along.  We named her Grace Marie.

It’s good to have the testing back.  One more step towards closure…  Eventually the medical bills will all be paid and the only reminder I’ll have everyday is the necklace hanging around my neck and the emotional scar forever etched on my heart.

You know when something traumatic happens in life and you deal with it and move on. I feel that I have done that. However, I wasn’t expecting the lasting effects on other aspects of my life. Dealing with the loss of our unborn child was extremely difficult but I felt like I handled it emotionally. In turn though, my creativity and motivation have gone down the drain. I pretty much took the month of May off from Knight Light. It was the right decision since we had a lot going on. In June I did a couple of sessions and shot a wedding. However, I haven’t felt the fire I usually feel when shooting. I’ve barely taken any photos of my kid which is crazy. I just have not wanted to get my camera out.

I can feel a twinge of that old creativity though. I’ve had a few ideas for sessions lately that got a spark. I’m just anxious for the fire to be back. I’m tired of feeling guilty for not taking pictures, for not scheduling sessions, for not wanting to work…  I know in time I will be back to “normal” but dealing with this has been especially frustrating. I try not to be hard on myself but it’s just how I am. I don’t know how to fix it. I mean, how do you get your creativity back???

You know how people ask you how you’re doing and you just give the programmed response “pretty good”. It’s weird to have people expecting more…wanting to hear how I’m really doing… Honestly I’m doing okay. For me, the hardest time was between that first sonogram and the actual procedure. Closure was good. It was good for my mind and heart. I feel myself moving forward.

Not to say that I don’t have difficult moments. Times where suddenly I feel knocked on my butt by all of this. But as a family, we are surviving. In fact, I think we’re doing better than just surviving. We are using this as a reminder that time is short. Cherish every moment.