family matters

*This was written Tuesday evening but I held off posting it until this morning so I could blackout my site in protest of SOPA/PIPA. If you haven’t already, please consider taking action against this censorship.

As I type this my house is quiet. It’s 11pm. Jasper is asleep and Josh is at work. I just finished watching tonight’s episode of Parenthood. It’s one of those evenings that I feel reflective and just a tad bit sad for no reason.

I hate that as an adult I still have that “left out” feeling. I seriously never dreamt that it would still continue into adulthood. People that technically are “supposed” to include me don’t. It’s not really a big deal except for when I’m reminded continually on Facebook. I’m sure they don’t think that my feelings would be hurt when I’m not tagged in a status even though I should be. Or how there are always pictures of their kids together and mine isn’t there… It’s just hard.

I get sad when bloggers get divorced or split with their significant other. It’s usually one of those “I didn’t see that one coming” thing because obviously I don’t see their entire life. Even though I don’t know them in real life I’m always really sad about it.

Making friends as an adult is not an easy thing. Have you noticed that? I’ve been a little skittish because of a recent bad experience. Suddenly a friend decided not to like me anymore which is weird because we’re not eight. Mostly I beat myself up about it because I feel like I should have seen it coming. I overlooked red flags that I shouldn’t have. So now I’m scared to make friends but thankfully my husband isn’t. We’ve hung out a few times with a new couple recently. Clients turned friends seems to be the trend for me. After doing some pictures for them a couple months ago Josh asked if they liked a specific restaurant. They did and thought going out to eat would be fun. (Yay!) After we set up a time I joked with Josh that he asked them out. I’m so glad he did because it turns out we get along really well and we’re excited to have new friends. I just decided that I can’t let a bad experience ruin future amazing experiences. That’s how life goes.

Though sometimes I feel like I just don’t understand life I do know this… I am lucky to have this boy and this man. They make me smile and love me in a way I didn’t know possible.

Oh my goodness, Christmas was just so much fun. This is the first year that Jasper really understood what was going on and could be excited. The excitement level in my house on Christmas eve was crazy high (from all of us!). We watched Charlie Brown Christmas together all snuggled on the couch. After a quick bath, we set out cookies for Santa. We also had to set out cereal (Kix) and milk for the reindeer because that is what they eat apparently.

We read Twas the Night Before Christmas down by the tree and fireplace. Jasper made sure the fireplace was off before going to bed because he was concerned about Santa coming down the chimney. We put him to bed at 8:30 and then the fun began. Every single time I would think he was asleep, he would start singing, or talking, or getting up… He had to pee, he was hungry, he needed a drink, his blanket was messed up. Josh and I mostly just laughed because you could tell he was just so incredibly excited. Finally at nearly 10:30pm he was asleep. Whew.

And then the moment Josh and I have been waiting for all month. All Jasper wanted from Santa was a “big, huge robot”. After hours of searching online I found the perfect one that of course, wasn’t easy to get anymore. I’m not usually a big fan of Ebay but this time it came through. We got an amazing deal on this guy. As we had hoped…it was an enormous hit.

We had such a good time watching Jasper open presents. I seriously could have just cried. He was so excited for everything. He yelled out after the first gift, “Thanks, Santa!”. After our presents we headed to my parents house. Jasper was so patient watching everyone open gifts and waiting for his turn. At one point he told my mom that his heart was “going fast, like boom boom boom”. His heart was racing!

Anyway, it was such an incredible experience seeing Christmas through the eyes of a three year old. I loved having the opportunity to really play up the magic of Christmas. I already can’t wait for next year. Hope you all had a magical Christmas as well!

A few weeks ago my mom wrangled all of us kids around the Christmas tree at their house. She pulled out our box of ornaments and put us to work. Every year since my brother and I were born, we get a yearly ornament. Now my parents’ tree is filled with goofy homemade ornaments, metal kittens from 25 years ago, school picture ornaments, little wooden figurines, starched crochet snowflakes… I went through taking some pictures of them when they were all up. These make me smile.

Oh what, you don’t have a traditional Labor Day turkey dinner? So a couple of weeks ago, Meijer had turkeys on sale. Josh and I decided to get one since it was a good deal. We figured we would just save it and then eat turkey for a week. Randomly last week I told Josh we should decide when to have the turkey so it could be thawed. Instead of deciding Josh apparently heard, “Put the turkey in the fridge to thaw”. That’s how we ended up cooking a whole turkey on Labor Day. We figured we should just make a nice meal of it and invited my parents over. Sweet potatoes, creamed peas, rolls and turkey…not a bad meal. Josh was joking that this will somehow turn into a tradition. Jasper will be an adult and tell someone that he has to get home for the traditional Labor Day turkey supper with his family. I guess there are weirder traditions.

I heard that one of the hardest things about losing a baby is that some day you’ll still be struggling but every one else will have moved on. I’ve been very lucky to have my family and a few amazing friends that check in on me, specifically asking how I’m doing with it. My parents got us the ceramic bird to sit on our patio. It was just something they picked up as a little remembrance of Grace. I was so thankful for the notes, emails and such this weekend from people that just wanted us to know we were loved. It sure is nice to feel that.

To be perfectly honest with you, my post on Friday didn’t convey how nervous I was about this weekend. I was all “oh it sucks but I’m getting through it”. On the inside I was petrified about being alone all weekend with my thoughts and having to remember everything alone (since Josh had to work). Friday afternoon Josh got a phone call from my dad saying that he was taking half of Josh’s shift on Saturday. We were speechless. I wouldn’t be alone Saturday evening. Let’s just say that I cried a lot when I heard that. And I was reminded what an amazing dad I have.

I woke up on Saturday to peonies finally blooming. What great timing. Jasper and I got a few groceries in the morning. It was nice to get out of the house while Josh was sleeping. My mom watched Jasper for a bit during supper time so Josh and I could enjoy our grilled salmon together. After the little guy went to bed I cuddled with Josh on the couch and it was so much better than being alone. We laughed about stupid TV, talked about nothing serious and relaxed. After being on the verge of tears all morning it was just good to be with Josh and not think too much.

Sunday turned out to be a good day as well. Josh found out that because of the holiday there would not be any work for him to do that night. His supervisor ended up giving him the night off as long as he was on call. He did get called in once but it was about a hundred times better than if he worked all night.

This weekend was the first time in a long time that I felt good, like maybe our luck is changing. When Josh got off the phone with his supervisor on Sunday and said he didn’t have to go in…I was shocked. Things like that don’t happen for us. Well, at least they haven’t the past year. I’m glad this weekend is over though it didn’t end up to be terrible. I hope this means the tide is shifting for us.

As a kid I would love to climb through these brick circles at our local shopping center. I loved it even more because my grandpa actually did the brick work. My dad’s dad was a talented bricklayer. I just barely remember him as he passed away when I was little. But I always smile when I see these circles knowing that many years ago he stood in that very spot, crafting an awesome brick sculpture.

Since Jasper was born I’ve wanted to get some pictures of him there. Finally the opportunity arose on Sunday as we were in town, with my camera and the store was closed. I snapped a few quickly. (Josh was laying on the ground behind because we were all a little nervous about Jasper standing up in it.) It makes me happy to have these pictures. I think my grandpa would really like it too.

We dyed Easter eggs for the first time, ate donuts, tried my hand at sugar cookies with royal icing, got to see Sondra!, hung out at my parents house, ate lots of good food, shot off rockets, got a little dressed up, played, found Easter eggs, ate some more, spent time with my family. It was a good Easter.

On Sunday I made the Vanilla Chai cupcakes and they were yummy! The recipe only made a dozen but it was a good test run. I have a problem where I just always want to tweak recipes. I try to follow recipes exactly the first time through and then tweak the following time. So I restrained myself from adding more vanilla and cinnamon. The only thing I did different from the recipe is use my mom’s buttercream frosting recipe. (Sidenote: I really hate my countertops. I think they’re ugly especially in pictures.)

I almost never can eat my own baking. Something about spending the time making them makes it unappetizing to me. I tried a cupcake right when they were done and felt a little underwhelmed. I thought maybe the spice mixture could be a little stronger. My family really enjoyed them so I tried another bite. I enjoyed it more the second time around. They definitely taste like chai tea.

Josh built Jasper a huge fort downstairs. I got some clothesline rope and clips from the Dollar Tree so we tried them out. Jasper loved it. If I went back upstairs he’d come get me saying “Mommy, come here”. He’d hold his hand out and drag me back down to the tent.

We spent the afternoon at my parents house. My little guy sure loves Uncle Tony and Aunt Emily.

We all got a little bummed about the Bears loss. But my mom’s baking and cooking cheered us up. All in all it was a pretty good day.

Hosting my first Thanksgiving was a success! I’ll be honest, I was a little nervous. Cooking/baking has always come pretty naturally to me. (I thank my mom for that.) But planning and executing a big meal is a lot!

The timing of everything is the tricky part. I needed the turkey to be done early enough that I could use the oven again but not so early that it sits for a long time. Luckily everything came out right at the perfect time. For the turkey I used Real Simple’s plan to cook one. Thank you, Real Simple!

I also made a tofurkey for my brother who is a vegetarian. I really wanted him to have something special too. I found this recipe and decided it sounded doable. I’ve never cooked with tofu before so that was something new. The night before you crumble the tofu into a colander and form a bowl. Another bowl sits in it to keep the shape. The day of you make stuffing, fill the bowl and then flip the whole thing over onto a baking pan. I seriously was sweating when I had to flip it over! The tofu stayed together and there was much rejoicing. Tony gave it a stamp of approval.

I used Pioneer Woman’s mashed potato recipe from her Throwdown with Bobby Flay. Oh goodness, they were awesome. I made my mom’s stuffing which turned out great even though her recipe was kind of lacking. My mom is an amazing cook. She is one of those people who just throw things together, never measures or times anything. This is totally fine unless you are trying to replicate it! She had semi-typed out her stuffing recipe and we laughed about how she didn’t have the measurements for sage or how long to bake it. It must just be ingrained in me because the stuffing was delicious. There was sweet corn from this summer that I had frozen, dinner rolls, green bean casserole and of course pumpkin pie. We also had some yummy appetizers (salmon/dill crostini, veggies and pumpkin peanut butter dip).

I’m so glad that I offered to host and everything turned out. It was a lot of fun to have my family here and cook for them. I am looking forward to Christmas though when my parents take over the cooking again.