family matters

I can remember my dad and brother shooting off rockets when we were younger. They would get the rocket ready, putting in the engine and paper towels to protect the parachute. Then came the time to study how hard the wind was blowing and which way. If you didn’t shoot the rocket at the right direction you would be traipsing through neighbors’ yards. There were many treks out into the corn field to fetch the rocket. They would finally fire the rocket and we would watch it blast into the air. Crossing our fingers that the parachute would deploy, the rocket would start it’s descent. We’d all hold our breath as it came closer to landing.

Josh, my dad and Jasper shot off a few rockets over the weekend. Jasper thinks it’s pretty much the coolest thing ever. The first one went straight up and Jasper yelled, “OH. MY. GOODNESS. SAKE.”. We lucked out and a few landed right in our yard so Jasper could retrieve them. Last year one ended up in our neighbor’s tree for most of the winter. Another just vanished. We lost that one in the sky and it was never seen again.

When Josh bought Jasper a rocket last year we decided to shoot it in my parent’s backyard. They live right next to a ball diamond and corn field so there is a lot of open space. Shooting off rockets will hopefully be such a fun memory for Jasper. And I really like that the memory will include my old backyard where I watched many rockets blast off and float back down.

I was talking to a friend recently about having more kids. They only have one and are also undecided if they will have another. She said, “I feel like though we are already behind in having a second”. Meaning, most people have started on a second by the age our firsts are at. And most people expect you to have another child by now.

I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Why is it that most people just assume a couple will have more than one child? What’s so bad about just one child? Here are things I hear regularly: “Jasper needs a playmate.” “About time for another!” I find this so presumptuous. I mean, what if we had been trying to get pregnant for the past year and a half and it wasn’t happening.

Honestly, we have no idea if we’re going to have any more children. Most days lately I’m leaning towards no. And you know what, I think that’s okay. I really think having one child isn’t a bad thing. People assume they’ll be spoiled but I know that won’t be the case for us.

There are a lot of benefits to only having one. We’d be able to provide more for Jasper. Let’s say we have a set amount of money for a college fund. If we have two or three kids, it would be split between all of them. If we just have Jasper, he would get all of that. There’s also the ease of one child. Josh and I would never be outnumbered. We’d be able to travel easier (not that you can’t travel with more than one kid, just easier with one).

Of course, I think how great Jasper would be as a big brother. And for me, there’s also the pull for a large family, especially thinking about when I’m older and my kids would be having kids (ala Parenthood).

I think the hardest part about all of this is just not knowing. Not knowing for sure what is the best for our family. Really that’s all we want to do…what’s best for us. So we wait and see knowing that whatever we decide is okay, no matter what anyone else thinks.

My brother and sister-in-law just spent a week working in North Africa on a mission trip. Their plane was scheduled to fly in a little before 10pm on Sunday night. Josh and I thought it would be fun to surprise them by being at the airport. We headed into town early to get a few groceries that we needed. Meijer is surprisingly empty at 9pm on a Sunday night. It was very strange to be out and about with Jasper that late in the evening.

Jasper was incredibly excited to go to the airport to see Tony and Emily. We got to see a couple planes right outside the windows and walked around a bit before the plane deboarded.

It was great to see Tony and Emily. Jasper wanted to run through the gate to them. (I didn’t snap any pictures with them because they were lookin’ a little rough.)

After waiting at baggage claim, Josh told me that he was going to drive Tony and Emily home and I would follow in the Jeep. To them it was 4:30am and had been up for over 24 hours…so yeah, we didn’t feel good about them driving the hour home. Plus they both got colds over the trip and Emily had serious ear issues on the way home so she couldn’t hear that well. Jasper slept most of the way. The three of us pulled in just after midnight. Quite the adventure for a Sunday night! And I’m very glad my brother and sister-in-law are home safe.

*This was written Tuesday evening but I held off posting it until this morning so I could blackout my site in protest of SOPA/PIPA. If you haven’t already, please consider taking action against this censorship.

As I type this my house is quiet. It’s 11pm. Jasper is asleep and Josh is at work. I just finished watching tonight’s episode of Parenthood. It’s one of those evenings that I feel reflective and just a tad bit sad for no reason.

I hate that as an adult I still have that “left out” feeling. I seriously never dreamt that it would still continue into adulthood. People that technically are “supposed” to include me don’t. It’s not really a big deal except for when I’m reminded continually on Facebook. I’m sure they don’t think that my feelings would be hurt when I’m not tagged in a status even though I should be. Or how there are always pictures of their kids together and mine isn’t there… It’s just hard.

I get sad when bloggers get divorced or split with their significant other. It’s usually one of those “I didn’t see that one coming” thing because obviously I don’t see their entire life. Even though I don’t know them in real life I’m always really sad about it.

Making friends as an adult is not an easy thing. Have you noticed that? I’ve been a little skittish because of a recent bad experience. Suddenly a friend decided not to like me anymore which is weird because we’re not eight. Mostly I beat myself up about it because I feel like I should have seen it coming. I overlooked red flags that I shouldn’t have. So now I’m scared to make friends but thankfully my husband isn’t. We’ve hung out a few times with a new couple recently. Clients turned friends seems to be the trend for me. After doing some pictures for them a couple months ago Josh asked if they liked a specific restaurant. They did and thought going out to eat would be fun. (Yay!) After we set up a time I joked with Josh that he asked them out. I’m so glad he did because it turns out we get along really well and we’re excited to have new friends. I just decided that I can’t let a bad experience ruin future amazing experiences. That’s how life goes.

Though sometimes I feel like I just don’t understand life I do know this… I am lucky to have this boy and this man. They make me smile and love me in a way I didn’t know possible.

Oh my goodness, Christmas was just so much fun. This is the first year that Jasper really understood what was going on and could be excited. The excitement level in my house on Christmas eve was crazy high (from all of us!). We watched Charlie Brown Christmas together all snuggled on the couch. After a quick bath, we set out cookies for Santa. We also had to set out cereal (Kix) and milk for the reindeer because that is what they eat apparently.

We read Twas the Night Before Christmas down by the tree and fireplace. Jasper made sure the fireplace was off before going to bed because he was concerned about Santa coming down the chimney. We put him to bed at 8:30 and then the fun began. Every single time I would think he was asleep, he would start singing, or talking, or getting up… He had to pee, he was hungry, he needed a drink, his blanket was messed up. Josh and I mostly just laughed because you could tell he was just so incredibly excited. Finally at nearly 10:30pm he was asleep. Whew.

And then the moment Josh and I have been waiting for all month. All Jasper wanted from Santa was a “big, huge robot”. After hours of searching online I found the perfect one that of course, wasn’t easy to get anymore. I’m not usually a big fan of Ebay but this time it came through. We got an amazing deal on this guy. As we had hoped…it was an enormous hit.

We had such a good time watching Jasper open presents. I seriously could have just cried. He was so excited for everything. He yelled out after the first gift, “Thanks, Santa!”. After our presents we headed to my parents house. Jasper was so patient watching everyone open gifts and waiting for his turn. At one point he told my mom that his heart was “going fast, like boom boom boom”. His heart was racing!

Anyway, it was such an incredible experience seeing Christmas through the eyes of a three year old. I loved having the opportunity to really play up the magic of Christmas. I already can’t wait for next year. Hope you all had a magical Christmas as well!

A few weeks ago my mom wrangled all of us kids around the Christmas tree at their house. She pulled out our box of ornaments and put us to work. Every year since my brother and I were born, we get a yearly ornament. Now my parents’ tree is filled with goofy homemade ornaments, metal kittens from 25 years ago, school picture ornaments, little wooden figurines, starched crochet snowflakes… I went through taking some pictures of them when they were all up. These make me smile.

Oh what, you don’t have a traditional Labor Day turkey dinner? So a couple of weeks ago, Meijer had turkeys on sale. Josh and I decided to get one since it was a good deal. We figured we would just save it and then eat turkey for a week. Randomly last week I told Josh we should decide when to have the turkey so it could be thawed. Instead of deciding Josh apparently heard, “Put the turkey in the fridge to thaw”. That’s how we ended up cooking a whole turkey on Labor Day. We figured we should just make a nice meal of it and invited my parents over. Sweet potatoes, creamed peas, rolls and turkey…not a bad meal. Josh was joking that this will somehow turn into a tradition. Jasper will be an adult and tell someone that he has to get home for the traditional Labor Day turkey supper with his family. I guess there are weirder traditions.

I heard that one of the hardest things about losing a baby is that some day you’ll still be struggling but every one else will have moved on. I’ve been very lucky to have my family and a few amazing friends that check in on me, specifically asking how I’m doing with it. My parents got us the ceramic bird to sit on our patio. It was just something they picked up as a little remembrance of Grace. I was so thankful for the notes, emails and such this weekend from people that just wanted us to know we were loved. It sure is nice to feel that.

To be perfectly honest with you, my post on Friday didn’t convey how nervous I was about this weekend. I was all “oh it sucks but I’m getting through it”. On the inside I was petrified about being alone all weekend with my thoughts and having to remember everything alone (since Josh had to work). Friday afternoon Josh got a phone call from my dad saying that he was taking half of Josh’s shift on Saturday. We were speechless. I wouldn’t be alone Saturday evening. Let’s just say that I cried a lot when I heard that. And I was reminded what an amazing dad I have.

I woke up on Saturday to peonies finally blooming. What great timing. Jasper and I got a few groceries in the morning. It was nice to get out of the house while Josh was sleeping. My mom watched Jasper for a bit during supper time so Josh and I could enjoy our grilled salmon together. After the little guy went to bed I cuddled with Josh on the couch and it was so much better than being alone. We laughed about stupid TV, talked about nothing serious and relaxed. After being on the verge of tears all morning it was just good to be with Josh and not think too much.

Sunday turned out to be a good day as well. Josh found out that because of the holiday there would not be any work for him to do that night. His supervisor ended up giving him the night off as long as he was on call. He did get called in once but it was about a hundred times better than if he worked all night.

This weekend was the first time in a long time that I felt good, like maybe our luck is changing. When Josh got off the phone with his supervisor on Sunday and said he didn’t have to go in…I was shocked. Things like that don’t happen for us. Well, at least they haven’t the past year. I’m glad this weekend is over though it didn’t end up to be terrible. I hope this means the tide is shifting for us.

As a kid I would love to climb through these brick circles at our local shopping center. I loved it even more because my grandpa actually did the brick work. My dad’s dad was a talented bricklayer. I just barely remember him as he passed away when I was little. But I always smile when I see these circles knowing that many years ago he stood in that very spot, crafting an awesome brick sculpture.

Since Jasper was born I’ve wanted to get some pictures of him there. Finally the opportunity arose on Sunday as we were in town, with my camera and the store was closed. I snapped a few quickly. (Josh was laying on the ground behind because we were all a little nervous about Jasper standing up in it.) It makes me happy to have these pictures. I think my grandpa would really like it too.