bakin’ a bun

Last Friday Josh and I got an unexpected peek at our next child. I had some random sharp pains that concerned me. After a call to my doctor I was asked to come in for a sonogram to check everything out. I spent the day a nervous wreck. I tried telling myself it was nothing but the truth is it could have been a major something.

Josh and I got back into the sonogram room and the tech started right away. She quickly checked the baby and said, “everything looks great there” and then went right over to check out my ovaries. I was so surprised and relieved that I had to ask her again if the baby was okay. She went back to the baby and sure enough, there it was. It was such a shock to see a baby that I could hardly breathe.

At this stage of the game it’s hard to remember I’m pregnant. Some days I don’t feel great but I can easily attribute that to other things. I’m not showing, I can’t feel the baby move… It’s hard to fathom an olive size baby growing in my belly. And yet, there it was on the screen. In fact just as the tech went back to the baby, the little one started moving it’s tiny little legs and arms! I couldn’t stop the tears at that point.

So suddenly it has kind of sunk in that there is a new life growing inside me. How lucky are we that we get to experience this all again. How blessed we are that in 7 months Jasper will have a little brother or sister. Even after going through this all before I have to say that it’s still totally mind-blowing.

At approximately 3.5 weeks pregnant I suddenly felt pregnant. I woke up nauseous and spent the day with a very unsettled stomach. This feeling continued for about four weeks. I have been very lucky to have the nausea fade quite a lot. During those four weeks of pregnancy I had a hard time finding anything that sounded good to eat. Something would look good one minute and then the next minute make me want to puke.

Luckily I am now approaching my favorite phase of pregnancy. Where almost all food looks amazing! In the past week I have been very excited about Beef Snow Peas from my favorite Chinese place, Turkey Tom from Jimmy John’s, Hot Beef Sandwich from our local restaurant and last night I enjoyed a chocolate shake from Dairy Queen. You’ll notice that these foods are all restaurant foods which is another phenomenon of pregnancy.  For someone who very rarely eats out, I could usually go weeks or months without restaurant food. Not so much right now…it sounds like the most delicious food in the world.

So I have to admit this part is fun! I’ve been working on my grocery list tonight and had to laugh at how overwhelmed I was becoming. I just want to make so much different food. I’ve been watching Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution so I’m getting a lot of recipes from his website. I’m also going to give green smoothies another try. In the coming weeks I will be trying to post some new food that we’re trying.  Hopefully it won’t just be from a restaurant…

I’m still kind of in shock that this little guy is going to have a baby brother or sister. We joke that hopefully he didn’t get all of the good genes and saved some for the new baby. He’s just so amazing! He’s ornery, yes but really well behaved. He’s crazy active but incredibly charming. He’s smart and has the best sense of humor.

It’s crazy to think of him as a tiny little baby. What is even crazier is thinking that I’m going to have one of those this Fall!  One of these days it’ll sink in that I’m going to be a mom of two. Hopefully sooner rather than later!!

I was told that after pregnancy my body would be different. My feet might stay a size larger (they didn’t). My hips would be wider (so far doesn’t seem that way). And that I might not get my pre-pregnancy body back (I’m slowly but surely getting there). One thing that I was never told would change were my taste buds. Since having Jasper my cravings and tastes are definitely different!

I don’t really crave Chinese food anymore. Before I got pregnant I could eat Beef Broccoli once a week. I think I’ve had it twice in the past 6 months. I used to pick onions out of everything but I am slowly starting to enjoy them. I’m pretty sure this started when I realized how much I liked red onions with cucumbers. I also enjoy a good juicy burger now where as before pregnancy I could go days without any meat especially red meat. It’s weird to suddenly like something you never liked before!

On Sunday evening Josh and I made a couple thick juicy burgers. (Normally I would make my burger very thin and put only ketchup on it.) This time I stacked mine with onion, lettuce, pickles and some mayo. Josh took one look at it and said, “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”. Just keeping the mystery alive, folks.

I’m sitting in my front room on Sunday night drinking a small glass of sparkling wine. Sparkling wine that Josh and I bought about nine months ago in anticipation for this weekend. We knew we would want to celebrate when our little one arrived…little did we know how difficult the arrival would be. Let’s back up to early Thursday morning.

Around 1am Thursday morning I laid in bed crying. The baby in my belly had just been moving for three hours ending the romp with the hiccups. I couldn’t sleep, I was exhausted and so tired of being overdue. Thursday marked eight days over my due date. Although physically I was still feeling okay, emotionally I was feeling rundown and frustrated. What was wrong with me that this baby wasn’t coming?

Thursday, 8:30 am – Josh and I show up at my doctor’s office for our scheduled visit. I asked my OB to strip the membranes again and “not go easy on me”. She was nervous that I was past 41 weeks and didn’t want me to get to 42 weeks. She would schedule an induction for me for Sunday night. I also was hooked up to the fetal monitor to get checked and then for a sonogram. By the time we were done at the doctor’s office almost two hours had passed. I was even more emotional and cried when I thought about being induced. Not many women can be induced with Pitocin and do a natural birth. So I started praying then that the baby would come before Saturday so I wouldn’t need to go to the non-stress test they had scheduled for me.

Thursday, 1:00pm – I had been having contractions since the morning but I kept thinking maybe they weren’t contractions. I was also cramping from the membrane stripping. We started keeping track of the pains and they were actually coming at regular intervals. Josh got out his moleskine and fountain pen and began jotting down the times.

Thursday, 3:00pm – The contractions were close enough that I needed to switch to the website, Contraction Master. I kept wondering if maybe I was imagining all of it.

Thursday, 5:00pm – “Josh, I think we should go to the hospital.” I was in moderate pain with every contraction, but I was still in a pretty cheerful disposition and rather excited that this was going to happen naturally after all. Josh loaded up the car with the hospital bag, camera bag, laptop, and my purse. I loaded up myself and I called my parents to let them know that we were headed in and would call them after we were checked.

Thursday, 6:00pm – We parked at the hospital ER and headed inside. I walked to the front desk and when I was asked “How can I help you?” I said, “I think I’m in labor”. I had to sign a few documents and then I got to sit down. We chatted a bit with the nurse at the desk about whether or not we knew the sex of the baby, if it was our first, and when we were due. She seemed quite surprised that I was nearly 9 days overdue. I had several contractions while we waited for a nurse from Labor & Delivery to come down with a wheelchair and take us up through a labyrinth of hallways up to OB.

Once at OB, I got into the lovely hospital gown feeling complete disbelief that we were there. I was checked by a nurse and still at 2 centimeters dilated. My parents showed up in what seemed like mere minutes after us, pretending that they were in town for a Starbucks. My contractions were getting stronger at this point coming about 2 minutes or so apart. They hooked me up to the fetal monitor, we would be monitored and then walk the hallway. Josh’s folks showed up shortly after mine, and headed to the waiting room with my folks. We walked some more stopping at our room for me to rest every so often.

Thursday, 9:17pm – We were admitted to the hospital, so at this point we knew it was go time. This baby was coming one way or another.

Thursday, 9:45pm – The nurse checked me again and I was still only at a 2. I was 100% thinned out, but no dilation progress. She suggested I get in the labor tub and I agreed. I needed some pain relief and I was up for trying something.

Thursday, 10:10pm – Josh and I head into the room with the labor tub. My new nurse came in, and she happened to be a girl from my hometown. I was nervous about having someone I knew as my nurse but the pain that was growing with each contraction was enough to soon make me forget this anxiety. I spent about an hour in the tub, trying to relax and focus. Josh leaned against, and at some times into the tub and would hold my hand during a contraction. During a contraction I would lean over the side of tub, contorting all the while squeezing his hand.

Thursday, 10:30pm – My new nurse checked me in the tub and I was dilated to 6. I was really quite amazed at how much something so simple as a glorified bathtub could help my progress so rapidly. The nurse started to drain the tub because the water level was quite high and it would take a while to get down to a level at which I could get out.

Thursday, 11:00pm – At this point, the contractions were coming hard and fast and it was all I could do to keep breathing through them. Josh and my nurse kept me focused, but I was getting to a point where I wanted to push through the contractions. I was checked again and I was at eight centimeters. My nurse told us that she was going to call the doctor because we were nearing the point where I could start pushing.

My contractions were getting pretty strong and I started feeling some serious pressure to push. My folks and Josh’s stuck their heads in and gave me the thumbs up. I remember thinking that I hoped none of my lady bits were showing. Josh tells me that he ensured I was covered. During the contractions I would squeeze Josh’s hand and lean against the railing of my bed. I mostly concentrated on breathing through them and felt like it was manageable. I had to fight the urge to push with all I had.

Sometime before I started pushing I thought about how much easier it would be to get an epidural. I didn’t really want one but I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to have one.

Nurses were coming in and out with carts and the baby warmer. It was surreal to see all of that equipment come in and I couldn’t help but feel excited that the baby was going to be there soon.

Friday, 12:00am – My doctor showed up and checked me. I was given the okay to start pushing. They explained how I should push and I completely blanked out. It sounded like the most confusing thing in the world.

At the next contraction they put my hands under my knees and I was told to pull them back to begin pushing. I was also told to hold my breath during the pushing. I could not wrap my mind around that since up until this point I needed to breathe deep and even through everything.

I pushed at the next contraction. For the first 45 minutes or so of pushing, I felt like I was doing something. I would grab my legs, bear down and push so hard. Soon after that though, things started to get a lot more difficult. The contractions were becoming so painful that breathing through them was almost impossible. Josh would tell me to breathe even and focus when I wasn’t pushing. I kept pushing with every contraction, even though at every break I thought about how much I wanted to be done.

Another half hour passed and I was beginning to get exhausted. The baby wasn’t moving from its current position, so every contraction brought more pain and no relief. My doctor suggested I take a break from pushing and just breathe through the contractions. I would lean against the railing and grip it with my left hand. Josh was squatted down next to the bed reminding me to breathe.

Let me stop there to talk about how amazing Josh was. He was constantly encouraging me. While I was pushing he was there holding my leg telling me how great I was doing. He would help me remember to breath or hold my breath depending on what was going on. I kept telling him that I was sorry because I felt like I wasn’t doing very well. He would always have encouraging word for me and tell me how much he loved me.

Back to the contractions… When I was resting I would lay on my side and halfway push through them. Every 10 minutes of resting would be followed by more pushing. I kept asking my nurse if we were getting anywhere. I remember now that she never said things were really progressing (because now I know that they actually weren’t) but she would always say how great I was doing.

The baby’s head was down far enough that they could see it so they brought a mirror in for me. All that dark hair was hard to miss. So why wasn’t this baby out?

Friday, 2:00am – I first told Josh that I was ready to quit. I didn’t think I could go any further. The pain was too much; I didn’t feel like I was getting anywhere… Josh gave me a pep talk and I felt like I could go on.

The next hour things get a little blurry for me. I have never been in so much pain in my life. I never could even fathom pain like I was having. I was so exhausted and couldn’t understand why the baby wasn’t in my arms. At one point I was practically crying.

Also during this hour was the one time I got a little mad at Josh. He was reminding me to breath through my contraction. I had been gripping the handrail and kept trying to catch my breath. I was ticked that he kept telling me to breathe when I felt like I clearly was. I said in a voice reminiscent of Regan from The Exorcist, “I am breathing”.

I spent a lot of this hour breathing through the contractions. Every so often I would push again.

Friday, 2:40am – My nurse, Melissa said “I know you didn’t want to do this but we could do an epidural. It might help you relax enough to get the baby moving again”. No epidural. That was my response.

Friday, 2:45am – Josh asked to have my doctor come in. She checked my progress and had me push some more.

Friday, 3:00am – I realized at this point I knew I couldn’t do anything more. I basically cried, “I can’t push anymore”. My doctor could tell that I meant it so she started talking about our options. 1. I could have an epidural and try to keep pushing or 2. We could do a c-section. My doctor was very concerned though that the epidural wasn’t actually going to help enough and we’d still need to do the c-section. The lack of progress and where the baby was at in the birth canal, she wasn’t sure I was going to get the baby pushed out.

I asked Josh what he thought we should do. As I practically cried through the next contraction, Josh talked to my doctor. He asked her what she recommended we do to get the baby out the quickest and safest. She recommended a c-section. Josh leaned down to me and said, “We’re going to have a c-section”. I said that I was so tired and just wanted to be done. I trusted Josh to make the final decision.

Josh told our doctor we were going to have the c-section. She walked out the door and I heard her come back in to say that my dad was coming down the hall to check on us. Josh asked her to let them know. I almost lost it that point. I didn’t want my parents to be disappointed in me. I didn’t want Josh to be disappointed in me. I remember thinking that maybe the nurses even didn’t think I had done enough. The pain though took me back to the moment and I asked my nurse how soon it would go away.

Friday, 3:30am – The anesthesiologist came and in and talked through everything. The next steps were all a blur. Josh getting his scrubs on, contractions, drinking something before surgery, getting prepared… I had a terribly painful contraction right as they were going to wheel me out of the room. I told Melissa that she couldn’t take me out in the hallway if I was yelling in pain. She told me that the second it was over we were moving. The urgency radiated through the room.

We got back into the operating room with Josh waiting outside as I was prepped. I was given the spinal during a contraction so I can’t tell you what it felt like. I had my head pressed against my nurse and was busy squeezing her hands. The anesthesiologist said, “That should be the last one of those you’ll feel”. I could have cried I was so relieved. Josh told me later that the worst part for him was when they wheeled me back in the room and he had to wait at the desk. He could hear me having a contraction and it made him crazy not to be in there with me. When they finally told him he could come in he couldn’t believe the change in me. I was smiling and I said, “It doesn’t hurt anymore”.

Friday, 3:50am – They opened me up and started the c-section. I told Josh not to look if he didn’t want to but I could see him peeking over the drape.

Friday, 4:01am – My doctor pulled the baby out of my belly. Turns out the baby was face up explaining the whole three hours before. My doctor said, “Were you expecting . . . a boy??” She laughed. I glanced up to see them hold him above the drape for me to see. He was quickly passed off to the nurse and Josh followed them to the warmer. Suddenly there was a cry and I looked back to see my son’s foot in the air. Josh and I locked eyes and I said, “We have a son”. We looked at each other in disbelief that suddenly he was here.

Friday, 4:10am – The nurse handed Jasper to Josh and I couldn’t help the tears from forming. Josh said hello to him and wide-eyed Jasper looked up at his daddy for the first time. Josh brought him over to me and well…the words just aren’t there to describe what I felt. The whole night just fell away. All of the pain and worry of the night were gone. All I could see was my son and how gorgeous he was. The nurse took a couple pictures for us and soon Jasper was being taken into the nursery.

The next few minutes were spent getting stitched up and stapled. I told the anesthesiologist he was my new best friend. My arms and hands were shaking so badly. All of the nurses were coming in to say congratulations and how cute he was.

Friday, 4:45am – I was wheeled into the recovery room and my parent’s and Josh’s were allowed to come in. When I saw my parents I think I said something like, “I had to have a c-section” and started crying. I was so worried that they would be disappointed. My mom told me they were so proud of me and that I did really great.

The nurse wheeled Jasper in and Josh took him out of the bassinet. He handed our son to me. My arms were finally holding him instead of my belly. Josh and I stared at our son and then each other. The magnitude of the moment was overwhelming. Holding Jasper’s little hand with mine for the first time, I knew my life had completely changed. I couldn’t imagine me without him now. I knew at that moment that I also loved my husband even more which I didn’t think was possible.

As I finally finish typing this out it is Wednesday morning. Jasper is laying next to me on my bed. His little legs are kicking in the air and he’s making cute baby noises. My heart is so full right now that I feel like it could explode. Being a mom has always been such a strong desire for me. Now suddenly I am a mom…and I really couldn’t be happier.

Josh and I went in to my doctor’s office this morning. My blood pressure was perfect. I am dilated to two centimeters and the doctor stripped the membranes again. I told her not to go easy on me. I was hooked up to the fetal monitor for 30 minutes to check the baby’s heart rate. The nurse came in halfway through and said everything looked good but they wanted to see another increase in the heart rate showing when the baby moved. It was like the kid heard her and started moving all over the place. After that we were sent to the sonogram tech to check the amniotic fluid which looked good. They are estimating an 8 1/2 pound baby although sonograms this late in the game are very inaccurate.

All in all both baby and I checked out perfectly. However, if the baby hasn’t made their appearance by Sunday I will be getting induced at 12:01am Monday morning. I’m praying so hard the baby comes on it’s own. I’ve been having contractions all morning so we’re hopeful. We’ll keep you posted!

I don’t have much to say today. I’m really praying that today is the big day. I’ve had a couple pretty strong contractions so I’m encouraged by that. I’m going to try and get busy cleaning my house. That’s supposed to help things along.

One week over… I just never would have thought I would go this much overdue. Maybe if everyone could send up a little prayer or happy thoughts that the little one comes today… I hope!

Josh and I headed in to our doctor’s appointment yesterday. We stopped at Starbucks for a little pick-me-up. I saw my favorite barista again (just saw her on Friday). She couldn’t believe I was still pregnant when she saw me Friday so when I stepped back to say hi, she replied “Holy crap!”. I had told her the next time I’d see her I would have a baby. So I’m pretty much banned from going to that Starbucks until this kid comes.

The doctor’s appointment was fine. I actually only saw the nurse. She checked me and stripped the membranes again. She also said, “Okay, we have your induction scheduled for Tuesday night”. I blinked and processed. Finally I said, “Wait, like tomorrow??” She said, “Yeah, uh…is that okay?” I told her that I wanted to wait until at least the end of the week. I want to at least make it until 41 weeks (which is Wednesday). I guess when they call the hospital just gives first available time. Anyway the induction is postponed. I scheduled another appointment for Thursday morning to see my doctor. I told Josh we won’t be going to that appointment though because I’ll have had the baby or be in labor by then.

I was kind of upset after the appointment. Just feeling a little down with having somewhat of a deadline. We went to the mall to stop in at Old Navy quickly. As we walked through Bergner’s a random lady stopped mid-walk, looked at me and said, “You look cute!” I kind of was taken aback but said, “Thank you!”. She smiled real big and walked on. Thanks random lady for making my day a little better.

It’s hard to describe how I’m feeling five days past my due date. I’m still really not uncomfortable so in that sense I don’t mind being pregnant. But the continuing to wait to meet my baby…well, that’s another thing. I alternate feeling incredibly bored to impatient to upset. I have tried every natural inducer that I could. I even did the Castor oil thing both on Saturday and Sunday. And although I know it’s not “my fault”, I can’t help but feel like my body is doing something wrong. What is wrong with me that the baby doesn’t know it’s time to leave?

On Friday I had my weekly doctor’s appointment. My doctor was pleased with my progress to one and a half centimeters. She stripped the membranes which wasn’t as painful as I anticipated. Afterward they hooked me up to a fetal monitor to check the baby’s heart rate. I had no idea that I would be on that for a half hour. The room was little and warm. I was laying on my back in the beginning because I thought it was something quick. After almost passing out, I rolled to my left side while Josh held the monitor on my belly. The baby’s heart rate spiked to 190 while I was feeling nauseous and everything went blurry. I said to Josh, “I’m ready to be done”. I think I meant the monitoring but it may have also been the pregnancy in general. Josh said, “I never thought I’d hear you say that”. And then I cried.

I don’t know when for sure but I believe my doctor will induce me if I don’t go into labor by the end of the week. I do not want to be induced. Although the waiting is torture, I feel like the baby is still in there for a reason. Induction is just not for me. I am praying that I go into labor before it is necessary to be induced or that I can hold off my doctor long enough.

Overall I’m just not good with the waiting part. I never have been. I mean, we’re ready. The car seat has been in the car for a good month, the hospital bag has been packed for two weeks and the baby’s room is ready. Besides that I am emotionally ready to meet my child. This little person has been growing inside of my for 40 weeks and 5 days. I’m ready to be it’s mom.

Every night for the past week I have laid awake thinking about what I still need to put in the hospital bag, who we’ll need to call after the baby is born… I have imagined what it will be like to actually give birth or see Josh hold our baby for the first time. The thought of waiting even just another minute to hold my little one is so overwhelming that I have to try and think of something else. I’m praying that the time will be soon.

- snuggle with the dog in bed
- eat some breakfast
- intend to go on really long walk
- make it about thirty minutes
- wander aimlessly around my house
- drive car through car wash
- completely clean out the inside of car
- finally shower
- make lunch for hubby
- take a nap
- email back all the people checking on me
- head out on second walk of the day
- pit stop at my parent’s for some ice cream
- my mom drives me home
- I start reading the new John Green book, Paper Towns
- break for supper
- back to reading
- more emailing
- break for The Office
- more reading
- finish book
- lay in bed wide awake and think every twinge is impending labor