all you need is love

Josh and I aren’t big on getting each other Christmas gifts. We either set a small budget or just don’t exchange gifts. This year we decided to go on a date to the St. Louis Symphony to hear Ben Folds. A couple of months ago I saw that Ben Folds would be in St. Louis so we quickly decided to splurge on the tickets and call it a Christmas present. (The show sold out in just a short time so we were lucky to get good tickets.)

We got all dressed up for the big date which was a lot of fun. I got a new dress on clearance for $34. The dress kind of reminded me of the cocktail dress Julia Roberts wears in Pretty Woman. You know, the black one with the lace overlay. She’s like, “I bought a dress. A cocktail one!”. Anyway… Josh looked awesome in his bowtie and suspenders. I’m so glad I have a husband that is willing to get dressed up every once in awhile. We knew there would be everything from jeans to dresses at this concert but decided it would be more fun this way. I’m so glad we did. There just isn’t a lot of opportunity to wear clothes like that.

I’ve never been to the symphony before so I didn’t really know what to expect. I was not disappointed. Ben Folds, of course, was amazing. I got the biggest grin on my face as soon as he came on the stage. The audience went crazy as he humbly shook his head and pushed his glasses up.

This concert was unlike any other Ben Folds concert I’ve been to. His concerts are usually very crowd participatory. This one was a little more sit and listen. He talked about each song before playing which was very cool. He played a lot more of his slower songs that worked so well with a full orchestra. I got a little choked up during “Gracie”, the song about his daughter. And my heart was racing during “One Angry Dwarf”. The orchestra was just phenomenal.

Afterwards I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman again. After they see the opera and the woman asks what she thought of it. “It was so good I almost peed my pants.” Then Richard Gere says, “She said she liked it better than Pirates of Penzance.” Okay, enough Pretty Woman references. Seriously though the concert was amazing, my date was a total hottie and quite the gentleman, and the evening was delightful.

Not sure if we laughed seven different ways but it did make us happy. Oh how I love evenings when Josh is home.

This weekend was kind of a rough one for me. I felt very lonely and sad. Since this was Josh’s weekend to work I spent the evenings alone which of course, didn’t help matters. We’ve been really worn down with his work schedule. Add to it that I’m trying to squeeze in as many fall photo sessions as I can. It’s hard to leave when it means I don’t really get to see my husband that day.

Josh and I have been doing a lot of life planning lately. Trying to figure out where we should be, what we should be doing… It’s tough in a way because everything seems so unknown. I keep thinking that someone is finally going to hire Josh and our lives will begin moving again. For now we’re in this weird holding pattern where we try to make the most of everyday but feel like it’s all just temporary. I guess life is temporary anyway.

I’m having a hard time letting go of some hurt feelings. Someone that I thought was a friend turned out not to really care about me. I honestly don’t understand and have gone over it in my head a billion times just bewildered. I guess it has made me that much more aware of the people that want to be there for me. I need to let it go but it’s hard for me when I’m hurt.

The past week or two has also been difficult because I’ve been thinking a lot about Grace. We would be approaching her first birthday. I cannot even imagine having Jasper and also a one-year-old. Sometimes I still get so angry about losing her. Why did that have to happen? Why isn’t she with us now? I don’t understand. As I type this the tears just pour down my face. How can the pain still be so raw?

That’s where I’m at today. I’m thankful that it’s Monday and this weekend is over. I’m looking forward to an evening with my husband. I’m snuggling my funny little Jasper a little tighter and feeling so glad he’s in my life. Sometimes life can feel sad in spite of all the happy things around me.

This past year has been the worst year for us financially. We have struggled to pay our bills most months. Though we occasionally splurge on a Starbucks, we’re not spending money on clothes, manicures, other fun stuff… It just isn’t in the budget. However, no matter how tight money gets we have been continually reminded how much we DO have. So many people are worse off than us. The local shelter currently has over 100 people (including children) staying with them.

I realized this past year that so easily it could have been us. Each month we squeak by and each month we’re thankful. And because of that every month we try to find ways to give back. The homeless man in the Walmart parking lot, the easy gift cards for food banks at the Meijer checkout, the Red Cross buckets, the young man selling magazine subscriptions for children’s hospitals… Something comes up every month that gives us opportunities to give.

If you keep your eyes AND hearts open, you’ll be surprised at all of the opportunities that arise. And if you’re like us, you’ll be surprised to find that extra five dollars in your wallet just when you need it.

I’m experiencing the inevitable letdown of a Monday morning after an awesome weekend. I’ll look through the pictures again and relive my weekend. I smile just thinking about it.

Friday evening on a whim we decided to drive to the lake 10 minutes away for the best bar food around. Seriously, I don’t even know that you can top their burgers, fries and deep fried mushrooms. Maybe it’s the childhood memories attached the place or the amazing decor…but their food is delicious. We picked up our food and drove to the spillway park to eat. The breeze, the lake, everything was perfect. It felt like the perfect summer evening.

Saturday was finally my date with my husband. Seriously been looking forward to this for weeks! First up was Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. We were both really excited to see it, though I was admittedly anxious about it. I feel pretty invested in the whole series since I’ve read (and enjoyed) all of the books and watched all of the movies. There has always been another one coming out so I was feeling sad that it was over. The movie was very well done and a great end to the whole thing. I was worried I would just cry through the whole thing. (I’m a total crier at movies.) However, besides getting choked up a few times I held it together. The very end however…um, yeah. The epilogue to the book was the end of the movie as well. As the screen went black and flashed the words “19 years later”, I could feel the sob form in my chest. Anyway, moving on… It’s an awesome series with life lessons for all ages. I know I’m already looking forward to reading it with Jasper when he’s old enough.

After I recovered from the movie we grabbed a coffee and wandered around Barnes & Noble. It’s one of our favorite things to do when we’re kid-free. We eventually worked up an appetite and went to a steakhouse for a candlelit dinner.

Sunday morning Josh and I had a few more hours of kid-free time while we walked through a giant flea market that is in town once a month. I think you could easily spend all day walking through the booths. There is so much interesting stuff! Mannequins dressed up (creepy), lots of vintage jewelry, old cameras (I got a blue one for $3), antique tools, furniture, silverware, and so much more. I love looking through all of those things and trying to find good deals.

It was such an a great weekend with Josh and Jasper. It will carry me through this week and this coming weekend while Josh works.

Josh interviewed for a job a couple weeks ago but found out yesterday he didn’t get it. Honestly we were just so thankful to get to the interview stage. He has applied to so many jobs and not heard much back. At least if you’re interviewing it feels like a step closer. I handled the news that someone else got the job much harder than he did. He decided that the guy who got the job had always wanted a job like that and it was perfect for him. So I added that the guy was much worse off than we were and was trying to support five kids. Sometimes it’s hard to look past how something affects you. But when you think how it affects the other guy… Well, you just never know.

It was unfortunate timing that Josh’s working weekend was the same as our anniversary. It really just magnified the already lonely weekend. I really tried hard to make the most of the day. My parents took Jasper for an hour or so in the morning so I could walk through a local arts festival. I got there right when it opened so I was able to get through it before it was too busy. I found a print that a Chinese woman did in watercolor and ink. I also fell in love with jewelry that a lady made by copper-plating real leaves. Of course, I didn’t buy any jewelry. I was even able to take a quick walk through my favorite used bookstore while I was in the area.

Josh got up slightly earlier than normal so we could spend a little time together while Jasper napped. It was good to have those couple of hours. Eventually it was time for Josh to leave for work and we were all dreading it. Jasper pulled on Josh’s hand telling him “No, Daddy. Don’t leave!”. That is killer. After Jasper went to bed I put on my pajamas and watched a documentary off Netflix.

On Sunday Josh got up early and went back into town to the arts festival. He found the lady who made the leaf jewelry and bought me a beautiful pendant for our anniversary. I love it and I love that he did that for me. We already have a date planned for next Saturday and are both really excited about it. And hooray, the weekend is over!

We were pretty bummed out to find out last week that Josh would be required to work on the 4th. Though it’s a company-wide holiday, people on his shift aren’t “eligible” for it. Josh didn’t find out early enough to turn in a request for time off. We made the most of our weekend though and vowed that next year would be different.

A town near us did fireworks on Sunday night so Jasper was finally able to experience that for the first time. We were lucky to be able to see some still. It was the sweetest thing to watch Jasper watch the fireworks. He called out the colors of each one and talked about them all the way home.

Josh, Jasper and I went to a flea market and parade in the morning. It was nice to still do some of our traditions on the 4th. Josh sleeps in the afternoon when he works so we all went home for naps. I thought it would be fun to take Jasper out to Josh’s work for a bit after area fireworks got going. Unfortunately we couldn’t really see many from the parking lot. I drove Jasper a few miles towards the next town so we could see a few. I thought it would make me feel better but I ended up feeling way more depressed that Josh was at work.

Though we did have a lot of fun this weekend, I hate that Josh’s stupid job overshadows everything. Crossing my fingers that by the next holiday he has a job that allows us to spend it as a family!

On Sunday evening Josh and I got some rare alone time. Josh had come with me for a photo session and my parents had watched Jasper. After the session we ran over to Starbucks for a little treat. Just those few extra minutes alone were enough to revive us a bit. It’s all about making the most of your time. I long for the days of being on the same sleep schedule. But because of his job, I feel like we’ve learned how to make even a few minutes into quality time.

This was originally posted on November 10, 2009.

Last week I tossed around the idea of not blogging anymore. I had almost decided to delete my blog after writing a good-bye post. I had a comment on the post about Jasper’s party that insinuated that I think my family and I are perfect. It came at a bad time. I was stressed with lots of Knight Light work. We also have been dealing with some rude people that we just keep trying with. It’s funny because I feel like as far as blogs go, mine is pretty honest. I write about bad days, good days and the ones in between. And then I get that comment…

I truly feel that Josh and I are perfect for each other, but I know that we are not perfect people. I am lucky that I married a man like Josh. He tweets things to me like, “you are my favorite hello and hardest goodbye” and blogs things like this. He also never loads the dishwasher, likes motorcycles, and gives me charlie horses*. (*To be fair he has only given me one charlie horse and that was over the weekend.) I know Josh likes when I make him supper or pick up after him. He also thinks I spend too much time on Facebook and like Christmas entirely too much.

I am far from being a perfect mother. Sure, I use cloth diapers, make my own baby food, don’t ever have the TV on for Jasper. But some days I count down the minutes until nap time or wish that kid would sit still for more than two minutes at a time.

The thing about blogs is that you can put out there as little or as much as you want. I prefer to read blogs that are more honest and come across as authentic rather than hiding a lot. If you’re going to put it out there, you might as well let your freak flag fly. There are things I don’t/won’t blog about. I never blogged about my job, issues with my in-laws or if Josh and I have a fight. Those topics would only make situations worse.

If I have ever given you the impression that I think my family is perfect or that everything is rosy here, well then I am sorry. Of course it’s not. I just don’t write about everything. I don’t think you want to hear about how it seems the dog and baby need to poop at the same time every day. How today I had to wash the dog’s butt after he was outside. And then I threw the washcloth away because I didn’t want to deal with the aftermath. Of course, that was after changing a poopy diaper. And right now my kitchen is a mess but I have no energy to clean it up. Instead I will go and sit on the couch with my husband and enjoy the snuggle time instead.

Our life isn’t perfect but we sure enjoy it. We laugh a lot, we cry occasionally, we dance in our pajamas on Saturday mornings… We are imperfect together.