all you need is love

In honor of Josh’s birthday today, I thought I’d use one of his favorite quotes. I’m glad I’m married to an “unreasonable” person. Happy Birthday, Josh!

“Reasonable people adapt themselves to the world. Unreasonable people attempt to adapt the world to themselves. All progress, therefore, depends on unreasonable people.” -George Bernard Shaw

Maybe it’s not our day; but it’s going to be our year.

*This was written Tuesday evening but I held off posting it until this morning so I could blackout my site in protest of SOPA/PIPA. If you haven’t already, please consider taking action against this censorship.

As I type this my house is quiet. It’s 11pm. Jasper is asleep and Josh is at work. I just finished watching tonight’s episode of Parenthood. It’s one of those evenings that I feel reflective and just a tad bit sad for no reason.

I hate that as an adult I still have that “left out” feeling. I seriously never dreamt that it would still continue into adulthood. People that technically are “supposed” to include me don’t. It’s not really a big deal except for when I’m reminded continually on Facebook. I’m sure they don’t think that my feelings would be hurt when I’m not tagged in a status even though I should be. Or how there are always pictures of their kids together and mine isn’t there… It’s just hard.

I get sad when bloggers get divorced or split with their significant other. It’s usually one of those “I didn’t see that one coming” thing because obviously I don’t see their entire life. Even though I don’t know them in real life I’m always really sad about it.

Making friends as an adult is not an easy thing. Have you noticed that? I’ve been a little skittish because of a recent bad experience. Suddenly a friend decided not to like me anymore which is weird because we’re not eight. Mostly I beat myself up about it because I feel like I should have seen it coming. I overlooked red flags that I shouldn’t have. So now I’m scared to make friends but thankfully my husband isn’t. We’ve hung out a few times with a new couple recently. Clients turned friends seems to be the trend for me. After doing some pictures for them a couple months ago Josh asked if they liked a specific restaurant. They did and thought going out to eat would be fun. (Yay!) After we set up a time I joked with Josh that he asked them out. I’m so glad he did because it turns out we get along really well and we’re excited to have new friends. I just decided that I can’t let a bad experience ruin future amazing experiences. That’s how life goes.

Though sometimes I feel like I just don’t understand life I do know this… I am lucky to have this boy and this man. They make me smile and love me in a way I didn’t know possible.

I’m a homebody by nature, always have been. However I do like to see new places and travel. (I just couldn’t go on a two-three week vacation.) Lately I’ve had this insanely strong urge to go somewhere. My travel Pinterest board just keeps growing. The last vacation Josh and I took was to Maine for our honeymoon (six years ago).

Josh and I are laid-back vacationers. We don’t want to take a bunch of tours or have lots planned out. We want to just wing it. We love the exploring and figuring out as we go. We are also totally not lay on the beach type of people. Sure it sounds relaxing but I think I’d get bored too quickly. Shoot, I can barely sit on the couch without doing something.

So we’ve been talking about where we’d like to go. Right now the plan is to go to Seattle. You know, someday when we have money. Also on the list: San Francisco, New York, Italy, Greece, Ireland, Australia… Ha. Yeah, someday we’ll go to all of those places. Josh and I have always talked about going back to Maine for an anniversary sometime. Part of me really wants to go back because it was so amazing. Another part of me doesn’t want to go back (at least not for a long time). There are SO many places I want to go. I can’t imagine using my rare vacation to go to the same place I’ve already been. Plus I really want to keep Bar Harbor special and I’m afraid going back might change that. I think of Bar Harbor and I instantly feel newly married and how amazing that vacation was. I kind of want to leave that feeling alone.

We are really hoping to be able to plan a vacation to Seattle in the next year or two. Financially I don’t know how we could ever swing it but you never know what will change in a year. I have high hopes that someday we’ll see all of the amazing things we want to see. We’ll spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how to do it all. Because why not?

So yeah, yesterday it got up to 54 degrees. In January. In Illinois. My boys and I went on a little adventure to a park with a swinging bridge. It was a perfect opportunity for me to find my picture of the day and for all of us to get outside. It was a good day.

After having a few breakdowns the past couple days, I’m doing a little better today. Add together: After-Christmas letdown, Josh going back to work, just barely paying our bills this month, migraine from hell. That equals one very emotional girl. During one of those breakdowns, Josh held me and said, “Kimberly, 2012 is our year. We’ve fought hard. We’re not giving in.”.

So I’m headed into the new year with that in mind. I’m leaving behind the things and people that have pulled me down this year. I’m remaining positive that things are going to turn around for us.

2012 is our year.

Josh and I aren’t big on getting each other Christmas gifts. We either set a small budget or just don’t exchange gifts. This year we decided to go on a date to the St. Louis Symphony to hear Ben Folds. A couple of months ago I saw that Ben Folds would be in St. Louis so we quickly decided to splurge on the tickets and call it a Christmas present. (The show sold out in just a short time so we were lucky to get good tickets.)

We got all dressed up for the big date which was a lot of fun. I got a new dress on clearance for $34. The dress kind of reminded me of the cocktail dress Julia Roberts wears in Pretty Woman. You know, the black one with the lace overlay. She’s like, “I bought a dress. A cocktail one!”. Anyway… Josh looked awesome in his bowtie and suspenders. I’m so glad I have a husband that is willing to get dressed up every once in awhile. We knew there would be everything from jeans to dresses at this concert but decided it would be more fun this way. I’m so glad we did. There just isn’t a lot of opportunity to wear clothes like that.

I’ve never been to the symphony before so I didn’t really know what to expect. I was not disappointed. Ben Folds, of course, was amazing. I got the biggest grin on my face as soon as he came on the stage. The audience went crazy as he humbly shook his head and pushed his glasses up.

This concert was unlike any other Ben Folds concert I’ve been to. His concerts are usually very crowd participatory. This one was a little more sit and listen. He talked about each song before playing which was very cool. He played a lot more of his slower songs that worked so well with a full orchestra. I got a little choked up during “Gracie”, the song about his daughter. And my heart was racing during “One Angry Dwarf”. The orchestra was just phenomenal.

Afterwards I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman again. After they see the opera and the woman asks what she thought of it. “It was so good I almost peed my pants.” Then Richard Gere says, “She said she liked it better than Pirates of Penzance.” Okay, enough Pretty Woman references. Seriously though the concert was amazing, my date was a total hottie and quite the gentleman, and the evening was delightful.

Not sure if we laughed seven different ways but it did make us happy. Oh how I love evenings when Josh is home.

This weekend was kind of a rough one for me. I felt very lonely and sad. Since this was Josh’s weekend to work I spent the evenings alone which of course, didn’t help matters. We’ve been really worn down with his work schedule. Add to it that I’m trying to squeeze in as many fall photo sessions as I can. It’s hard to leave when it means I don’t really get to see my husband that day.

Josh and I have been doing a lot of life planning lately. Trying to figure out where we should be, what we should be doing… It’s tough in a way because everything seems so unknown. I keep thinking that someone is finally going to hire Josh and our lives will begin moving again. For now we’re in this weird holding pattern where we try to make the most of everyday but feel like it’s all just temporary. I guess life is temporary anyway.

I’m having a hard time letting go of some hurt feelings. Someone that I thought was a friend turned out not to really care about me. I honestly don’t understand and have gone over it in my head a billion times just bewildered. I guess it has made me that much more aware of the people that want to be there for me. I need to let it go but it’s hard for me when I’m hurt.

The past week or two has also been difficult because I’ve been thinking a lot about Grace. We would be approaching her first birthday. I cannot even imagine having Jasper and also a one-year-old. Sometimes I still get so angry about losing her. Why did that have to happen? Why isn’t she with us now? I don’t understand. As I type this the tears just pour down my face. How can the pain still be so raw?

That’s where I’m at today. I’m thankful that it’s Monday and this weekend is over. I’m looking forward to an evening with my husband. I’m snuggling my funny little Jasper a little tighter and feeling so glad he’s in my life. Sometimes life can feel sad in spite of all the happy things around me.

This past year has been the worst year for us financially. We have struggled to pay our bills most months. Though we occasionally splurge on a Starbucks, we’re not spending money on clothes, manicures, other fun stuff… It just isn’t in the budget. However, no matter how tight money gets we have been continually reminded how much we DO have. So many people are worse off than us. The local shelter currently has over 100 people (including children) staying with them.

I realized this past year that so easily it could have been us. Each month we squeak by and each month we’re thankful. And because of that every month we try to find ways to give back. The homeless man in the Walmart parking lot, the easy gift cards for food banks at the Meijer checkout, the Red Cross buckets, the young man selling magazine subscriptions for children’s hospitals… Something comes up every month that gives us opportunities to give.

If you keep your eyes AND hearts open, you’ll be surprised at all of the opportunities that arise. And if you’re like us, you’ll be surprised to find that extra five dollars in your wallet just when you need it.