how to trick your brain

I’ve spent the last two months telling myself almost every day that all of this will soon be over. I say to myself, “I can do this. Josh will have his new job soon. We’ll be able to afford our bills soon. I won’t have to spend evenings alone anymore”. Whenever I would think of something we’d need from town it would get added to the “When We Have Money” list. When thinking about the sandbox I desperately want to build for Jasper I would think, “We’ll be able to afford it soon”. Even thinking about planting some trees in the fall and I felt like it could happen…once Josh got this new job we were waiting on.

Now all of that is just gone. I don’t know what to say to myself when I’m feeling down. When Josh started his job we told ourselves that it was only temporary. After being told numerous times that he would be hired within a few months at the better place, well…we believed it. So that’s how we got through the day to day drag of terrible pay and terrible hours.

I really try not to dwell on any of this. I think every day, “Just one more day of work…”. Though in the back of my head I’m screaming “You idiot, there are a lot more days of this work”. Josh has sent out countless resumes and so far we’ve heard nothing minus one “We’ll let you know”. Our end of May deadline is fast approaching. What will we do when it gets here and we can’t afford health insurance? Josh is determined that I won’t have to go back to work but I don’t see how we’ll manage. That brings with it a whole cascade of thoughts that make me sick to my stomach. How will I find a job when Josh can’t? What will I do with Jasper? What about the fact that we only have one reliable vehicle? We’ve even talked about the possibility of having to move. There could be a good job opportunity for him up by Chicago. I really cannot imagine moving two hours away from my home for a job. But…if that’s what we have to do to survive… Honestly I would work at BP before I’d consider moving.

I spend my lonely evenings scouring the Classifieds, trying to find a decent job that would pay a decent salary. Every time I feel like there is nothing out there I hear of someone else getting a new job. Where the heck is our job???

So now I have to try and trick my brain into thinking that we’re okay and that a new job will present itself before the end of May. When really the possibility of moving or me getting a job is very real and very upsetting. I’m just going to try and ignore that and say today, “Something has to work out soon. It just has to.” Maybe if I say it enough I’ll actually start believing it.